My title "my fences" is referring to the song Fences by Paramore... which actually does pertain to something on my mind. The song is referring to the starving celebrities who are a mess and the pictures of them don't really capture the real essence of the celebrity. I'm using this song to describe someone else that I know. She's a horrible, terrible person with loose morals. She prefers to be in the limelight of her cohorts and peers... continuously posting pictures of herself in very small clothing in poses where you can see her underwear fairly easily. Her pictures are often one of two things: blasphemies against Christianity -or- her being plastered drunk doing something tasteless and stupid.

On top of this all, she hates me. That's fine... because I now have enough sense to hate her back. I didn't always hate her. Infact, I didn't even know of her existence when she was already hating me for reasons that are stupid and made up. Aaaand... when I became known of her existence, I tried to befriend, and I tried to give her a chance to show me that those "glamorous' pictures of her were just a fluke, and that she is actually a decent human being. Well, all she did was prove to me that she is not a decent human being. Far from it.

This rant has a purpose, I promise. I just don't think I could ever date someone who has kissed her, looked at her in a romantic way, or tries to convince me that "she is not as horrible as I make her out to be." 

And the person who defends her the most is the guy who cheated on me with her. But what he doesn't know is that when she made him cry when they drunkenly made out at a party, she went downstairs and gloated about it. She was proud to make him cry. And she told all of her friends that she wanted to date him so she could fuck him and leave him. Yea, she's not horrible at all.

He waits for her to understand
But she won't understand at all
She waits all night for him to call
But he won't call anymore
He waits to hear her say
"Forgive"
But she justs drops her pearl-black eyes
And prays to hear him say
"I love you"
But he tells no more lies

He waits for her to sympathize
But she won't sympathize at all
She waits all night to feel his kiss
But always wakes alone
He waits to hear her say
"Forget"
But she just hangs her head in pain
And prays to hear him say
"No more
I'll never leave again"

How did we get this far apart?
We used to be so close together
How did we get this far apart?
I thought this love would last for ever

I posted this in response to someone's facebook status:

"I'm so glad someone else sees this day for what it is- a christian holiday! I'm single and would totally love to celebrate it some year! I'm so sick of people ranting on about how pointless it is and how unimaginative it is to celebrate it. You don't have to do what the hallmark corporations of America tell you to do. I would just love it if I could just spend the day with someone who appreciates me and just for one day, puts aside our differences in the name of LOVE and CHRISTIANITY! (:

"I would also like to add: Valentine's Day isn't a holiday created by America for economic purposes. This day has its roots over in Europe. Several countries have holidays known as "boyfriend/girlfriend day" or "women's appreciation day." so, please, if you are reading christina's status and complaining about the holiday being something Hallmark invented so you could throw money at them, realize that this day is celebrated all over the world!"

I love V-day. Wish someone else would love it with me.

::sighs:: where to begin?

I suppose I should start with Ashton. It wasn't a matter of trust with you. I just figured you would learn that being around a drunk Ashton is a bad idea. What did you do? Go to Sheetz to see a drunk Ashton. Maybe that wasn't your main objective, and I had no reason to blow up like I did, but I wish you could see my concern with your lackadaisical approach towards her when she's drunk. It's like you don't care what she did, and you further proved that when you made plans with her to play beer pong a week after we broke up.

All of the fights we've had in January mainly stemmed from my need for respect from you. I didn't care that you broke plans with me. I understand wanting to hang out with your friends or the occasional illness. However, you need to let me know when you're going to do it. A text message is all that's needed. I shouldn't find out an hour later when I text you to see where you are or by a change in your AIM away message. That just sends the message that you didn't care about the plans you made with me at all.

I got scared when things were turning sour for me, and I had to depend on you more and more. The things I did were to strengthen us, not tear us down. You wanted me to depend on you and your family almost entirely when I got kicked out of slagithor's. It felt like a very unstable thing to do when I was still feeling like I wasn't getting the respect I deserved. I just wanted us to be stronger before such a major change.

I know I brought up the exes a lot. You keep making friends with Jacqui's friends lately, but what about mine? Have you even tried? Just felt like you were pulling away from me and getting closer to her. I'm not and have never accused you of cheating on me with her or planning to get back together with her. It just doesn't look good when I see pictures of you on your exes facebook and then see you making friends with all of her friends. What am I supposed to think? I'm not telling you to stop communications with her, and I know I should just trust you, but sometimes you really push me to my limits. As far as all of the past things, unless history repeats itself, I had no right to bring those things up again.

I realize this just sounds like the same old song and dance and that I'm just angry venting. I'm not angry venting. I'm not even angry anymore. At all. I'm just really sorry that there was so much misunderstanding and poor communication between us. My anger and nitpicking was just my passion getting the best of me. I'd be more concerned if I took an apathetic approach to these issues. All of the things I mentioned above are important to me, and I went about the wrong way of pointing them out to you, which I guess I'm doing once again. : /

"This is her devotion. Her pleading for me to help. To be the guy that she needs now, so i can be the guy she will always need."

That ^ pretty much nails it. I didn't want to CHANGE you, and I think that's what made me so angry. I felt like having issues meant changing you as a person... but really, it just needs some realization from you about how these things affect me. And I needed to realize that the way I go about pointing out these issues affects you negatively, too.

At this point, I haven't given much thought to us. I haven't allowed myself to miss you. I don't really allow myself to think about you. It's just easier to pretend that you don't exist. I've managed to OVER preoccupy myself. So much so that I've spread myself so thin that I'm not even me anymore. I've been helping everyone else with their pathetic love lives to forget about mine. I politely listen to every guys plea to be with me when I'm screaming inside for it to stop. I've allowed myself to get so far behind in school that there is absolutely no way I'm going to pass. I keep trying to add extra-curriculars when I don't even think I can handle one. I know that at the surface, this sounds like words meant to hurt you...but just think about it. Dig beneath its layers. There is so much left unsaid.

I don't want to argue about any of this. I laid it all out on the table. Take it or leave it. It is what it is. How I feel about these things won't change. And now there is no need to bring it up again.



Sick and tired
Of this mad desire
Fluttering inside me
Like a hawk
Wire, wire
You've got my hands on wires
Heaven help you
When I get them off

Right between the ribs
You'll feel it then

Oh oh, the sirens sang so sweet
And watched the sailors going down
Oh oh, you talk to me in siren song,
Yeah, anyone would drown
Anyone would drown

So I deleted this journal like two weeks ago along with my Xanga. I guess I couldn't stay away for long. I wish I could've salvaged some Xanga entries... I wrote about some pretty interesting and random things in that journal. It was an educational experience.

So, what have we missed since December 25, 2008?

1. Well, I recall talking about doctor's appointments. I have cysts on both ovaries. Awesome. My surgery is this Wednesday. I'm nervous, but if I live, I plan to milk it. I hope it's just endometriosis, but the internal sonogram reflects solid matter, which indicates dermoid. blehck.

2. I got kicked out of slagithor's again. She gave away cheyenne to roy. I miss my furry friend. ): the reason I got kicked out was because I wanted to donate clothes to the salvation army. crazy, I know. what was I thinking, donating clothes? ...but my illness has gained the sympathy of slag, and she has accepted me back into her apartment. she seems to have forgotten the blow out.

3. I haven't really been to class since the first week of school. awesome.

4. I finally bought the zune I wanted. It's awesome and pink and says "swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive" on the back. I lurve my zune.

5. I weigh 131 lbs. Go me.

6. Dan and I are no longer together. It was a very messy situation. We tried to be friends, but he kept talking about my naked body... and then I found out he made plans to get drunk with Ashton... so I just got pissed!! We stopped talking for awhile. Now, things are alright.

7. I'm in a TOST one-act play. Yay. I like my new friend (: Not excited about kissing Mike, though. That cannot be fun for Sam. ): ...or Mike, either. Meeting Tues.

8. I saw Automatic Loveletter live. (: I plan to see The Honorary Title live March 7. Watchmen comes out March 6, so that's going to be a great weekend for me. (:

9. Boys...go. away. Soooo many guys hitting on me in all levels and degrees and styles from all walks of life. It's really fricking annoying. No, I do NOT want random hookup post break up sex. You are NOT my rebound. You are NOT my fallback. You do NOT have a chance. ::sighs::

10. The Office is a great show. The fact that there was an hour long episode after the steelers won the superbowl was just the highlight of my year thus far. (:

Lately, I've been browsing past entries. I know a lot of them are just clues to better....or worse moments... in the past that I didn't feel like sharing... either because they were too private and good... or because they hurt too much to type.

Anyways, the point is, I've felt like I've been the only one in the relationship since the last week of may, though i could tell things were turning sour a week or two before that actually happened. He even said it himself, once, that that was the time frame when things turned for the worse. More specifically, he said it was the moment when i tried to explain to him that i wanted to "wait" until at least college. that offended him. made him think i didn't trust. and honestly, I didn't, because i felt like the one person who would understand a desire to "wait" was pressuring me into something I wasn't ready to do. this is something i never told him. i just didnt have the heart to.

and that^^^ was when the communication between the two of us started to really fail. He was offended and I was let down.

and ever since then, my entries have been little windows as to how miserable I was. all summer. all through my first semester at college.

why was I so miserable? because I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. sure, he was relentless about pointing out my flaws, but even when I thought I had tried my best to fix what I could and even when I thought everything was good again, he would just point out another flaw (or the same flaw) that was keeping us from working well as a couple....keeping him from loving me. 

the flaws just kept building and building. first it was my inability to communicate efficiently. and then, in no particular order, it was my lack of maturity, how i sing along with the radio very poorly and how annoying that is, how people perceive me as a bitch, a snob, a know-it-all, weird, and crazy, how i am self-conscious, how I don't understand or "get" him... I'm sure I'm forgetting things, but anyone who reads this will get the point.

and in the meantime, the only flaw I could find with him was his inability to show affection for me. he hardly ever showed me that he cared. i know i've tried saying that simple statement in so many ways, and sometimes very hurtful ways, and I apologize for that. but how is someone supposed to communicate efficiently with a person who only points out flaws and nothing else? i felt like i was waiting for that passionate kiss that would never come. a kiss out of desire, not consolation. (btw: kiss can represent a lot of things here, folks.)

sure...he had OTHER flaws. minor flaws. flaws i lived with. flaws that made him....him. flaws i wouldnt change. ...i thought he would extend that same courtesy to me, but apparently my flaws are inexcusable.

so basically.... it boils down to this... he was unhappy because of my flaws... i was unhappy (and very BITTER) about the fact he would point out my flaws and basically punish me for them. if you cant love a person even with her flaws, then you cant love that person ever... not at all.

and it's not like im making all of this up... like its all in my head. i've gotten a lot of confirmation from others about how im the only one trying really hard to make the relationship work and he is hardly doing anything at all...  thats coming from people that i havent even complained to. i may be burning bridges here, but im not giving names. and trust me, its never who you think it is anyways. in fact, i was really surprised by how many people started talking to me, supporting me, since its now over. i guess you never really realize who cares about you until something bad happens... something like a heartbreak. </3













i think one of these days, ill put up a friends-only entry about all of the good times to reflect back on- to remind us that things werent always bad, even during the last five months, but for now, doing that will probably make me regret my decision. i have to keep reminding myself that the bad outweighed the good. that i spent the last five months alone in a relationship, feeling unwanted and not good enough.

And I couldn't awake from the nightmare that sucked me in and pulled me under
I love you, but i'm afraid to love you





then we sat on our own star and dreamed of the way that we were
and the way that we wanted to be
then we sat on our own star and dreamed of the way that i was for you
and that you were for me






It's been a long time since I ever was your star
Convinced that I am gone because of what you are
But you know it was me
You know it was me

You can be happy
You could grow and learn to forgive
The mistakes of tender souls and everything
They're only living life with one home, one face

I know we could be so happy baby
If we wanted to be







he found a letter from his lover
she said she's never coming home
his things were lying on her doorstep
and his tears, they fell like rain

and in his mind, he knew
he'd love her always
despite the tears

and in this town where few knew love
he'd spend his nights all alone, crying
and all the love he'd once shared with her
was gone, long, long, long gone
and he knew a part of him was dying

and in his mind
he knew he'd love her always
despite the tears

don't cry, don't cry, don't cry
lover we tried, we tried, we tried
and in his mind he knew he'd love her always
despite the tears

He hasn't said "I Love you" for the past month now.

I've said it at least once since then, but no response.

He seemed completely uninterested in me yesterday. And he didn't want to hold me as we fell asleep last night, so I ended up sleeping on the couch... after crying my eyes out.

We went to Mike, Jon, & Austin's halloween party friday night. I sat on the couch mostly as I had no one to talk to and wasn't in the mood to drink. I made Dan cry because I was pissed off and "avoiding" him. Maybe, he should'nt have been texting his ex while I was sitting right there beside him. Maybe, he should've been honest with me the first time I asked him who he was drunk texting.

She drunk dialed him that night, too, so he was just returning the favor. She asked to speak with me. She wanted to tell me that she called Dan and apologized because she was a little bit drunk. Then she told me that she looks at my facebook photos and how she thinks I am beautiful/gorgeous and how I remind her of Bella from the Twilight series. She seemed genuinely nice. I'm just wondering why she would drunk dial Dan... arent there other friends/guys for her to call? 

I wish someone else in this room would wake up so I would have someone to talk to.

well, yea, online blog would not be an appropriate place to vent about what happened. Ill just give myself a little window to reflect on. enough for me to know what happened.

Resurrect the evening, brought it back cause it filled in
Filled in something missing
Something never there to begin
You were so distraught, had never been in love
Guess you learned your lesson
Don't starve a poor boy

You could not help yourself from crying the entire night
It's painful when you realize
Your lives are intertwined
It's hell to need someone

I'll be yours forever, just tell me when to start
There are just a few places that I'll need to stop
Some along the way, some in the midst of
In the midst of our eternal love

You could not help yourself from crying the entire night
It's painful when you realize
Your lives are intertwined
It's hell to need someone

It's hell to need someone

Why lie?
The truth's easy to find
In time
Forgive me of this crime
It's alright
I swear I'll never do this again

Why lie?
The truth's easy to find
In time
Forgive me of this crime
Good night
I don't even, I don't even know her name.

Him: "...So, obviously i like you a whole really big lot"
Me: "Hahaha, hows that go again? =P too cute."
Him:"Hah. Shush. How about... You're: cute, awesome, adorable, attractive, fun, funny. You make me smile, laugh, hot. And im yours."
Me: "I dont kno how 2 respond 2 that w/e sounding cheesy :/"
Him: "Haha, i like cheese, its ok."
Me: "I had typed out a response, but it was lame. It just sounded self-depricating, cheesy, & clingy, tho my objective was 2 make you feel good about what u read. =/"
Him: "Send what you wish, At this point, I dont think 'clingy' is a bad thing."
Me: "I had...'you're 2 sweet. I prolly dont deserve you, but as long as youre mine, Ill do my best everyday 2 earn you. & most importantly, I am also yours.'"
Him: "oOo that gave me tingles :)"
Me: "hah, chut up! =P"
Him: "Can I come to your house and cuddle you all day? Please? And you dont have to do a thing to earn me :)"

Him: "I want some more of you"
Me: "Awe...wait, just some? ;)"
Him: "Well, if all is an option"
-Jan 10

Me: "Sounds sweet."
Him: "Better if I saw you."
-Jan 13

"Goodnight, Liebchen."
-Jan 18

"Bed is boring without an allyssa. and more lonely"
-Jan 27

"Agreed. But the second gives me overwhelming reason, besides the obvious, to kiss tackle you to the ground next time I see you"
-Jan 31

"I want you closer."
-Feb 16

"...And just hanging out with you tonight made me feel so much better in every way."
-Feb 20

"Hey thur cutestuffs!"
-Feb 22

dsniper007: o.O?

Auto response from pout twist sing: Im bein have. promise ^.^

dsniper007: i only want you to not die
dsniper007: because that would suck.
dsniper007: and id probably not know what to do with myself : (

For Valentine's Day, I wrote Dan a note (because he has a box full of all of the notes that he has ever received in his life time). So, he wrote one back, and it reads:

"Lieber Allyssa,
So I thought it would be necessary to return the favor. Seems you took a lot of time to write that note, so I'm going to do the same. Right now, I texted you about how awesome you are. You seem to not know how to respond to that which is expected I suppose. Being called awesome isnt an average compliment. So I'm going to list some reasons why I think you're awesome.

1. You're extremely interesting.
You're not an "average" girl, and thats good because I dislike average. You aren't self-centered or obsessed with appearance any more that I'd consider something acceptible. You have cool interests, both the ones you share with me and the ones you don't. which leads me to point two.

2. You game.
And not just sometimes to kill time. But as a hobby. Something you truly enjoy doing. Thats really exciting and is a definite plus in my book. A big plus (:

3. You're multi-attractive.
Perhaps I made that word up. Nonetheless, I stand by it. Physically, yes you really are. You have all the right..."assests." Shut up and accept it already. Emotionally, you don't have a trail of neverending emotional baggage behind you, nor do you bitch and moan and whine about anything constantly. You deal with stuff. You suck it up. Mentally/Personality, like I said in point one above, you're very interesting. Also, very entertaining when you're being yourself. You're very intelligent. Probably the smartest girl I've dated. And you act like it too, which leads me to point four.

4. You are multi-talented.
You do a lot of cool things, most that I can't, and do the well. Very well. In fact, I'm impressed by all of your talents so far. Most of which by your drawing skills. They pretty much just blow me away every time I see something you've drawn. Incredible.

I could probably go on about how you're funny, you have excellent taste, etc. But I think you've gotten my point by now. That you're awesome.

You're not perfect, I don't expect perfection. You've had a lot to deal with this year already and it seemed to me like you've handled it all rather well. Perhaps better than I ever could. So I admire you for that. I'd even say I'm impressed.

And you're a good kisser! I wasn't lying! Plus, you see to like some pretty kinky stuff which I either am [unsure of what was written here] or will go along with. Whatever tickles your fantasy hehe...

The only negative feeling I've gotten this far is rather important. I wish you would open up a little more to me. Tell me more random stuff. Even if you don't think I'll care or you know I don't care. It's what I'm here for. I want to listen to you. Don't hold back. And the condo thing. Sure that was awkward. I wish you didn't hold it back. Just let it out and tell me. I'm not going to get mad over something like that and make stuff difficult, that's just overly bitchy and not me. So open up. I'm all ears.

Haha, now that I'm done with the "report card" section, as it seems to have become, it's on to other things. (Incase you'd want to know: A-) ;D

So, we should go to WVU over my spring break: March 5-15. That would be fun, and definitely fine by me. Tho we'd probably have to take your car for reasons I'll explain later. Well, I'm quickly running short on space, so I suppose I'll conclude. Keep being awesome. Tell Cheyenne to keep being cute. And I guess your g-ma will keep thinking that we're fucking. But that's OK because it's funny. How you enjoyed the note. Hope you could read it too :P -Daniel James"